Beware the Miserable Trolls

We’ve all encountered them; the miserable trolls who invade our kingdoms, run amuck and create hate and discontent. They live to wreak havoc on others people’s lives and, like true predators, they quietly lie in wait for the opportunity to pounce.

Unfortunately, this is a subject that I could write about extensively. The internet is full of information on this, and many of you have your own stories of dealing with toxic people. We find them in every walk of life and and, though not always easy to spot right away, they have a few commonalities:

• They are selfish. Every interaction is about them and what they can get from you be it your response, an action, or something tangible. When you’re around them, you feel miserable which makes them quite happy.
• They are critical. All. The. Time. If you decide to take their criticism to heart and “fix” what they complain about, they will find something new to criticize you about. They hold you to an unobtainable standard and if you do meet any of their demands, they move the goalpost.
• They don’t take responsibility for anything. They blame you for their unhappiness, ineptitude, misfortune, weight gain/loss…you name it. Anything negative that happens to them is someone else’s fault and they are always the victim.
• They are manipulative. Toxic people leave you feeling confused and frustrated. They do this through gaslighting, baiting, circular conversations, “forgetting” or changing what they said, and not following through on promises (to name a few).

Dealing with toxic people can leave you mentally and physically exhausted. The good news is that they can’t only control you if you don’t let them. What you allow is what will continue, so decide today to put an end to the mistreatment.

Obviously, the best strategy for dealing with these trolls is to refrain from engaging with them. However, if you work or even live with a toxic person and going “no contact” is not an option, here are a few things you can implement to save your sanity:

1. Respond, don’t react. Control your emotions and don’t take anything personally. Remember, you are dealing with someone with the emotional maturity of a toddler, so lower your expectations. The troll will never be on your level. Remember that these people thrive on the negative emotions you display when they push your buttons. When you stop reacting, they will eventually get bored and move on to their next prey.
2. Set and stick to clear boundaries. Be clear on what you will and will not except from others and administer consequences to those who cross your boundaries. If you struggle with this, read Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life by Drs. Henry Clark and John Townsend.
3. Do NOT retaliate. It might be tempting and even a little fun to get even with the troll, but scheming to teach the toxic person a lesson goes against the caring and empathetic person that you are. If you are doing this, you are now the toxic one, and your troll is salivating over the fact that you are so obsessed with him/her. Do not let the troll win!
4. Straighten your crown and move forward. Because toxic people can upset your life so drastically, it can be easy to waste your time trying to figure them out or make sense of their behavior. Don’t bother. Put your energy into yourself and leave the trolls to the professionals. The toxic person will continue to meander through life hating himself and everyone else. You, on the other hand, are full of love, life and hope. You, my dear, are royalty!

Help from above:

Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces. (Matthew 7:6 NIV)