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Beware the Miserable Trolls

February 13, 2019 by Monique

We’ve all encountered them; the miserable trolls who invade our kingdoms, run amuck and create hate and discontent. They live to wreak havoc on others people’s lives and, like true predators, they quietly lie in wait for the opportunity to pounce.

Unfortunately, this is a subject that I could write about extensively. The internet is full of information on this, and many of you have your own stories of dealing with toxic people. We find them in every walk of life and and, though not always easy to spot right away, they have a few commonalities:

They are selfish. Every interaction is about them and what they can get from you be it your response, an action, or something tangible. When you’re around them, you feel miserable which makes them quite happy.
They are critical. All. The. Time. If you decide to take their criticism to heart and “fix” what they complain about, they will find something new to criticize you about. They hold you to an unobtainable standard and if you do meet any of their demands, they move the goalpost.
They don’t take responsibility for anything. They blame you for their unhappiness, ineptitude, misfortune, weight gain/loss…you name it. Anything negative that happens to them is someone else’s fault and they are always the victim.
They are manipulative. Toxic people leave you feeling confused and frustrated. They do this through gaslighting, baiting, circular conversations, “forgetting” or changing what they said, and not following through on promises (to name a few).

Dealing with toxic people can leave you mentally and physically exhausted. The good news is that they can’t only control you if you don’t let them. What you allow is what will continue, so decide today to put an end to the mistreatment.

Obviously, the best strategy for dealing with these trolls is to refrain from engaging with them. However, if you work or even live with a toxic person and going “no contact” is not an option, here are a few things you can implement to save your sanity:

Respond, don’t react. Control your emotions and don’t take anything personally. Remember, you are dealing with someone with the emotional maturity of a toddler, so lower your expectations. The troll will never be on your level. Remember that these people thrive on the negative emotions you display when they push your buttons. When you stop reacting, they will eventually get bored and move on to their next prey.
Set and stick to clear boundaries. Be clear on what you will and will not except from others and administer consequences to those who cross your boundaries. If you struggle with this, read Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life by Drs. Henry Clark and John Townsend.
Do NOT retaliate. It might be tempting and even a little fun to get even with the troll, but scheming to teach the toxic person a lesson goes against the caring and empathetic person that you are. If you are doing this, you are now the toxic one, and your troll is salivating over the fact that you are so obsessed with him/her. Do not let the troll win!
Straighten your crown and move forward. Because toxic people can upset your life so drastically, it can be easy to waste your time trying to figure them out or make sense of their behavior. Don’t bother. Put your energy into yourself and leave the trolls to the professionals. The toxic person will continue to meander through life hating himself and everyone else. You, on the other hand, are full of love, life and hope. You, my dear, are royalty!

Help from above:

Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces. (Matthew 7:6 NIV)

Disappointed Much?

December 15, 2018 by Monique

In my professional life, I assist service members—mostly Marines and Sailors–transition into civilian life. Some of my clients are separating after just a few years of military service but most are retiring with 20 or more years of active duty service. As you might imagine, leaving such a highly conventional environment and beginning a new career is a daunting task that presents many challenges. I feel so honored to be able to serve in this capacity and I absolutely love what I do for a living!

Recently, I was talking to a group of retirees about some of the struggles of acclimating to a non-military environment. We talked about frustrations and disappointment they might encounter throughout the transition process. I mentioned that the source of these negative feelings is unmet expectations.

When two people are in conflict it’s because something did not go the way one or both of them expected.

Often, we assume, because we discussed an issue at length and maybe even came to a conclusion, that both parties are on the same page. Perhaps you both have the same end result in mind but have different ideas on the how or when the task should be completed. During this discussion, a Marine commented, “Hey, this is good marriage advice!” I agree—this applies any relationship whether personal, professional or casual.

Recently, I ran an errand with my son (the young prince-in-training). Parking was scarce and he joked that I should park in the expectant mother parking. I countered that, although there is definitely no bun in this oven, technically I am an expectant mother. He replied, “Yeah, you’re a mom expecting to park this car, go in this store and get your groceries!” We all have expectations and when they are unmet, they can be a source of stress and negative emotions. The good news is you do have some control over this.

Wait, what?

Consider the following exchange that might take place between two spouses, friends, etc.:

Chris says, “I’m taking the day off, so I’ll be around the house.”

Sam thinks, Great! We can spend the entire evening together!’

Chris doesn’t come home until 8pm.

Sam is disappointed (unmet expectation) and has an attitude with Chris.

Chris is surprised at Sam’s bad attitude.

The issue:

“Being around the house” meant one thing to Sam and something else to Chris.

Chris meant that he/she would be in proximity to the house, possibly running errands, and would be available by phone and could even come home if contacted.

Sam thought that Chris would either be in the house or working in the yard.

Suddenly war breaks out over a misunderstanding that could have been avoided. This is a simple example but I’m sure you can relate.

So, how do we deal with or even avoid unmet expectations?

Don’t keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result. If you have a pattern of unmet expectations, reflect on them and figure out the source of the problem. Is it you or is it the other person? Be honest here—we all have faults and areas in which our crowns need to be polished.
Address the issue and let it go (Click here to read about taking things personally.) Have the conversation to get to the bottom of the problem. Find out where exactly the misunderstanding occurred. Remember, most people do not intentionally set out to hurt you. Are you dealing with a difficult person or is this simply a misunderstanding?
Learn from disappointment and do better. Clearly outline the “five Ws” when initiating a task with other people so that everyone is clear on the desired process and outcome. If necessary, put it in writing.

If you try these tips to no avail and you continue to get the same result, I offer you this simple yet life- altering advice:

Lower your expectations.

Most of us expect people to behave in a mature manner and to seek win-win solutions because this is how we ourselves operate. However, some people are just not capable. Recognize who you’re dealing with and adjust accordingly. Save yourself time, energy, money and, most importantly, your sanity!

So what are you disappointed about right now? Can you pinpoint an unmet expectation that is root of this disappointment? Are your expectations realistic? Do you have any tips to help your fellow nobles manage expectations? If so, please share in the comments below!

Help from Above:

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

Really?

December 6, 2018 by Monique

A guest post by SB Anthony

Ladies – can ya help a sister out?

So, my pants ripped at the gym this morning. And I only found out because a very good looking man tapped me on the shoulder to tell me. I’ll explain what I mean by ‘ripped’. Oh, did I mention today was a squat day and that he told me near the end [insert snicker here] of my workout?

What I mean by ripped is that the entire seam that covered my bare buttocks had split right down the middle. Strippers show less [flesh] folks. I still have no idea how on earth I did not notice that I was exposed. They had every right to hand me dollar bills for the amount of skin I was showing. So, my question is: where were my fellow female gym rats? How is it that I squatted and stretched to an embarrassing degree without any of them saying a word? I think we’ve all become a little too worried about the opinions of others that we shy away from common decency. Either that or they thought I was making an epic fashion statement. To both I say, come on ladies. We need to have each other’s backs.

Lesson learned: Don’t buy cheap workout pants. But really I learned that I’m finally comfortable in my own skin. Even when it is exposed without me knowing it. If this happened 5-10 years ago, maybe less, it may have been enough to send me running from the gym never to return. Instead I thanked the man for telling me while I gently tucked my sweaty towel into the back of my pants. I proceeded to put away the dumbbells with my head held high. I even managed to laugh out loud the whole way home.

I’ll be back at the gym tomorrow without any grudges held. And, if I see you with runny makeup, stuff in your teeth or your dress tucked into your pantyhose I’ll let you know. Because I would want you to do the same for me.

jerry-kiesewetter-195442-unsplash — Photo by Jerry Kiesewetter on Unsplash

S.B. Anthony is a freelance writer living in NC with her husband and three rescue dogs.

With Every Fiber of my Being

December 3, 2018 by Monique

I am an avid crafter. In particular, I love to crochet. Crochet is the art of interlocking loops of yarn or thread using a hook. It has quite the calming effect, and the process of creating a piece of art is extremely rewarding. My love of crafting began as a child when my mother taught my brother and me the art of macramé—the knotting of cords or string into patterns to create decorative items—which was all the rage at the time.

There are many crafting techniques that involve creating fabric from yarn, thread, cord or other mediums. Knitting uses two needles and yarn. Spinning is the weaving of fibers into thread. Weaving is the art of interlacing long threads to form fabric.

I am struck by the similarities between these processes and life.

Weaving the Royal Fabric

Life pulls and frays our yarn. Events twist our cords. Circumstances stretch our fibers, at times, to a breaking point. Mistakes tangle our thread.

Yet we continue to weave our fabric.

A single strand is capable of holding several pounds, but once woven together with other strands—a family of threads–it holds exponentially more weight. The weaving process, life itself, makes us strong and durable.

The tangles are sometimes removed but more often, they are woven in along with loose strands–abruptly cut, harsh and painful endings–tucked into the crevices, hidden away and blanketed by stronger, unblemished fibers. I like to think they make our fabric even stronger, and imperfection is beauty; art.

The fibers, in the hands of a child at summer camp during the obligatory craft hour, become a small, loosely knit sample of fabric only a mother could love; but, oh, does she cherish those knots of exploration and learning!

The fibers, in the hand of the highly skilled fisherman, unfold into a net with which to feed a family and earn a living.

The fibers, in the hands of The Master, are a creation to behold!

Ultimately, we are all a series of twists and turns, loops and knots woven into an unfinished fabric; at various lengths and stages of completion; equally beautiful, yet unique. Not appreciated and admired by all, but fiercely loved and guarded by those who know and accept us without judgment, whether or not we are cut from the same cloth.

Desired and adored by the one with the coordinating, complementary pattern.

As life unfolds, you continue to weave your fabric. Take pride in the color, texture and thickness of your threads. Own the tangles! Admire, respect and applaud the solid cottons, weathered jute and exquisite silks of those around you. Cherish your intricate patterns and fall in love, first and foremost, with your own fabric. Your Beautiful Knots.

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