In my professional life, I assist service members—mostly Marines and Sailors–transition into civilian life. Some of my clients are separating after just a few years of military service but most are retiring with 20 or more years of active duty service. As you might imagine, leaving such a highly conventional environment and beginning a new career is a daunting task that presents many challenges. I feel so honored to be able to serve in this capacity and I absolutely love what I do for a living!
Recently, I was talking to a group of retirees about some of the struggles of acclimating to a non-military environment. We talked about frustrations and disappointment they might encounter throughout the transition process. I mentioned that the source of these negative feelings is unmet expectations.
When two people are in conflict it’s because something did not go the way one or both of them expected.
Often, we assume, because we discussed an issue at length and maybe even came to a conclusion, that both parties are on the same page. Perhaps you both have the same end result in mind but have different ideas on the how or when the task should be completed. During this discussion, a Marine commented, “Hey, this is good marriage advice!” I agree—this applies any relationship whether personal, professional or casual.
Recently, I ran an errand with my son (the young prince-in-training). Parking was scarce and he joked that I should park in the expectant mother parking. I countered that, although there is definitely no bun in this oven, technically I am an expectant mother. He replied, “Yeah, you’re a mom expecting to park this car, go in this store and get your groceries!” We all have expectations and when they are unmet, they can be a source of stress and negative emotions. The good news is you do have some control over this.
Wait, what?
Consider the following exchange that might take place between two spouses, friends, etc.:
Chris says, “I’m taking the day off, so I’ll be around the house.”
Sam thinks, Great! We can spend the entire evening together!’
Chris doesn’t come home until 8pm.
Sam is disappointed (unmet expectation) and has an attitude with Chris.
Chris is surprised at Sam’s bad attitude.
The issue:
“Being around the house” meant one thing to Sam and something else to Chris.
Chris meant that he/she would be in proximity to the house, possibly running errands, and would be available by phone and could even come home if contacted.
Sam thought that Chris would either be in the house or working in the yard.
Suddenly war breaks out over a misunderstanding that could have been avoided. This is a simple example but I’m sure you can relate.
So, how do we deal with or even avoid unmet expectations?
- Don’t keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result. If you have a pattern of unmet expectations, reflect on them and figure out the source of the problem. Is it you or is it the other person? Be honest here—we all have faults and areas in which our crowns need to be polished.
- Address the issue and let it go (Click here to read about taking things personally.) Have the conversation to get to the bottom of the problem. Find out where exactly the misunderstanding occurred. Remember, most people do not intentionally set out to hurt you. Are you dealing with a difficult person or is this simply a misunderstanding?
- Learn from disappointment and do better. Clearly outline the “five Ws” when initiating a task with other people so that everyone is clear on the desired process and outcome. If necessary, put it in writing.
If you try these tips to no avail and you continue to get the same result, I offer you this simple yet life- altering advice:
Lower your expectations.
Most of us expect people to behave in a mature manner and to seek win-win solutions because this is how we ourselves operate. However, some people are just not capable. Recognize who you’re dealing with and adjust accordingly. Save yourself time, energy, money and, most importantly, your sanity!
So what are you disappointed about right now? Can you pinpoint an unmet expectation that is root of this disappointment? Are your expectations realistic? Do you have any tips to help your fellow nobles manage expectations? If so, please share in the comments below!
Help from Above:
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12